Dry Wall
by Timballisto
Summary: Malacai's pickup lines sucked, he couldn't hold his drink, and he was awful at unrequited love. Puckleberry-broship, Faberry; Malacai Universe


Part of my Malacai Universe, where **Rachel Berry is a guy. **This is not a transgender fic, it is a gender-bending plot bunny of mine. I thought it'd be interesting to see where Rachel would go if she was a guy, with all those wonderful male pressures and ect. ect. Mostly Puck and guy!Rachel, but mentions of Faberry.

Characters not mine, also "Just the Girl" by the Click!Five never belonged to me.

* * *

When Puck invited Mordecai Berry to his house for a party, he really didn't expect much. Really, he only invited the guy because he had felt bad for the guy- he had sat their quietly while the rest of the Glee club had tittered about the upcoming bash. A quiet Berry was a scary Berry, in Puck's opinion. Last time Berry had gotten that quiet, it was because the Rabbi had made a snide remark about his fathers and how it was hard for him to read Hebrew. Puck remembered this incident especially because the nerd had turned around and started to simultaneously cry and swear at the priest in the language the man had sworn he couldn't speak.

He really didn't want to get shot when Berry snapped and brought a machine gun to school.

Despite his fear of another psychotic break, Puck had thought that standing up to the crotchety old man who taught them was pretty badass; it developed into a healthy respect for talking about Berry's dads and for the language of his people. It definitely hadn't stopped Puck's attempts to make Berry's life a living hell, but Puck prided himself on the line he'd drawn at making fun of Mordecai's parents.

That shit didn't fly.

Anyway, now, Puck was seriously thinking about bringing Berry to every party he threw. Seriously, who would've thought that a gleeky loser would be such a frickin' hilarious drunk? Well, hilarious by his estimate. Mordecai seemed to be one of those drunks that tried to chat up anyone who wasn't sober enough to tell him to buzz off.

"Hey baby, I'd love to wander in your wilderness for forty years-"

SLAP!

Puck nearly choked on his drink, punch squirting out of his nose as he fought to stop laughing. Berry, Glee club Berry, I-wear-plaid-and-argyle-all-the-time-and-am-slushied-everyday- because- I- am- a- nerd Berry, had just tried to put the moves on Santana Lopez, the meanest bitch in school.

It was like watching Bravo!, seriously.

And then Puck starts to feel a little guilty, because Berry is just sitting there, all alone, drinking from a bottle. He doesn't think about it, and tries to focus on the red head currently in his lap, but, as people slowly trickle out, he can't really help it.

"Hey, Berry." Puck nudges him with a ragged black converse. "You gotta get out, man."

Berry lets out a sound that sounds like a moan mixed with a cough, muffled from his face pressed against the floor. The bottle in his hands comes loose, and Puck is slightly amused, slightly panicked when he realizes Mordecai was sipping from his parents' most potent wine; it figured Berry wouldn't think beer was good enough. He grimaces as he looks around at the mess in his basement. Cups and food litter the floor, as well as the incinerated remains of cigarettes. Damn, it's all going to be a bitch to clean up. Seeing as the alternative is picking up after himself, Puck sits himself beside his wasted fellow Jew.

"Dude. I've seen AV losers with better game than you."

"I looked up a list of appropriate pick up lines." Berry murmured. "Unfortunately, my peers seemed to find them-"

"Annoying as hell?" Puck ventured, smirking.

"-perverted. I've been slapped three times today, and I only got to make out with one of them." The singer sat up, brown eyes bleary. "One out of three is a failure."

"Hell yeah it is." Puck snorted, taking a gulp of an abandoned lager. "I'd have tapped at least two of them. Maybe even at the same time."

"Obviously, you got the lion share of Jewish charisma in this town." Mordecai grumped. "Heaven knows I haven't even gotten close to 'tapping' anything."

"Cougars, man." Puck laughed, smug. "They'll do anything for a young hot stud in those hot Ohio summers. I have 'em at _shalom_."

"I resent the fact that you use your religion as a tool to get laid." Malacai said, scowling. "I take our religion very seriously. " Sending a disappointed look to the other Jew, he continued. "I don't think I could morally-"

"Alright, alright." Puck said, rolling his eyes. "I get you." _Even if that won't stop me from doing it every summer._

The silence stretched on between them, both content with not saying anything for a little while. For Puck, it wasn't a big deal, but for Malacai, who talked a mile a minute… Puck relished the fact that Berry was a mellow drunk when deep in his cup and tended to get sullen instead of wired. If the shortstack just shut up every once in a while, Puck would probably condescend to talk to him more often.

"Why d'you think Quinn doesn't like me so much?" the shorter boy asked as he stared up at the cracks in Puck's ceiling, his eyes slightly unfocused.

"I thought she was just generally bitchy to everyone." Puck retorted, his good mood soured. God, now he knew why he tried to keep away from Berry. He'd rather field deep, existential thoughts on the meaning of life than have a talk with _Berry _about Quinn Fabray.

"No, every before she was head Cheerios, in freshman year… she was _so_ angry all the time. I was slushied more timed in freshman year than in sophomore and junior year combined." Malacai insisted. "It's like, my very existence pissed her off."

"It did, dude." Puck agreed, flicking the other kid in the ear. "She hated when you'd start talking for an English thing, or whatever. She said she hated the sound of your voice."

Malacai drooped visibly. Something familiar in his face ticked Puck off to what was really going on here, and why straight-laced Berry was slumming it at his party.

"Oh hell no. Snap out of it man!" Puck snapped his fingers in front of Malacai's depressed face, panicked when it barely registered.

"_She's cold and she's cruel and she knows what she's doin'…" _Malacai crooned, his eyes fluttering closed as he passed out, right there on the Puckerman couch.

Puck let out a vicious stream of curses. God, why did everyone fall in love with Quinn Fabray?


End file.
